Phrase Writers Group

At every U3A (University of the Third Age) Creative Writing meeting we are given (optional) homework, a subject or phrase to inspire a story or poem.

This week's subject -- Lost

Friends donated their (first) names

Panto Pirates stories:
A Practical Panto Pirate Primer (18 January 2023)
A tale of pantomime pirates and their team building treasure hunt

The Perfect Storm (21 September 2023)
The Panto Pirates first rehearsal

The Structural Engineer’s Secret (5 October 2023)
The Panto Pirates do set design

Oh Yes You Can (14 November 2024)
The Panto Pirates first performance

The saga continues

THE PERFECT STORM

“Arr Jim lad” rang out through the rehearsal room, for the umpteenth time that morning.

Panto director Polly and her playwright pirate Adele kept their frustration in check, albeit with swiftly emptying flasks of grog, Adele’s carefully crafted comedy becoming a repetitive catchphrase.

Polly’s practised radiant smile hid her growing feelings of being utterly lost.

Everyone’s friend Adele had written this year’s extravaganza with a Pirates theme, mainly because she wanted to wear pantaloons, as Long John Silver Doubloon.

She and Adele were working through a lengthy alphabetic checklist of props, with little success as the store cupboard containing clothing, chattels and whatchamacallits was locked.

Everything that could go wrong, had done so. A real perfect storm.

“And finally, B for Broom” said an already tired Polly.

“Cathryn can use it to fly home, when we find one” mused Adele.

“Meow, hiss” remarked Cathryn, her hands scratching like claws.

“That’s my line” said Gareth the panto cat. As usual everyone heard his contented purring.

Polly looked at her checklist.

“Cannons; we may need to make some catapults for our playful pirates.

“Conch shell...”

“Here” said a hopeful Michelle. She preferred people using her full name, but as a non-speaking villager in the play, would take any recognition.

Polly smiled. “Sorry Michelle. Conch shell, the pirates use it like a horn to warn of coming danger or time for grog”.

“Arr Jim lad” echoed anew.

“Time for coffee and cake” said Adele. “Those are not in the cupboard”.

“No” said a cast down Cathryn, “But the cups are”.

Polly had a burst of inspiration. Tommy and James worked well together as pirates. Maybe they could open the locked cupboard, by force if necessary.

“Arr Polly Lass” said Tommy as he and Jim Lad disappeared back stage.

Polly persevered.

“Crocodile, wrong panto I know, but photographers will enjoy the happy snaps. Crow’s Nest, need Cross bones for the flag”.

“Jolly Roger” said Adele, who had done her homework.

Meanwhile back stage Tommy and James reviewed the situation. Or rather the locked door.

“Obvious things first” said Tommy, and knocked on the door.

“Yoohoo, anyone home?” called James.

Silence, apart from the din in the rehearsal room, percussion musicians in a nearby house, a car that refused to start for 90 minutes, and the church bells summoning the meagre congregation many hours ahead of the evening service.

“On TV shows they use a credit card to open doors” said Tommy. “Sadly it’s a mortice lock”.

That did not deter James who slid his card near the lock, and watched it slip inside.

“It’s my library card” he said. “They’re used to replacing it every month. This is a new reason”.

Tommy pondered. “Skeleton keys work with these locks”.

“Problem solved” said James. “There’s a skeleton inside the cupboard”.

More silence, amidst the cacophony.

“I’ve another idea. We both need to stand back and let rip”.

BAROOM

The noise echoed round, as Polly rushed in.

“You’re supposed to blow the ruddy door off. Not our ear drums”.

“This door looks very new” observed Tommy.

“It was installed last week” said Polly. “The council decided to save money by going with the cheapest quote, and now the key is in the keyhole, on the wrong side”.

It was obvious why it cost so little. An ill-fitting door and ancient lock, with maybe an inch clearance with the floor, clearly recycled from a bygone era.

Tommy and James had an a-ha moment.

“Go and brew some tea and coffee Polly, we’ll have your key in a jiffy. Can we borrow a hair clip?”

Polly boggled. “Don’t have those. Would a paperclip suffice?”

Polly fished a couple from her purse, then set off on beverage brewing.

“Right” said Tommy, “just need some paper and we’re set”.

Five minutes later two beaming buccaneers carried a tray of cups from the store room to Polly and her hearty brews. The panto cast and production crew got stuck in, together with Adele’s homemade cakes.

There remained the question of “How?”

Suitably fortified Polly and Adele all but skipped to the store cupboard. Under the wide open door were a piece of paper and a wire. On closer inspection the latter was a stretched out paperclip. And Adele was mortified to discover a page torn out from the pirates’ panto script.

Then she looked at a happy Polly, all signs of stress lost as she counted all the props.

“You know what this is Adele.
It’s the Perfect Store ... Mmm”