Phrase Writers Group

I was a member of Ruislip Lions for seven years. There are Lions clubs around the world, each serving their local communities and further afield.

For a while I was on the social committee. We organised the Christmas party for club members, to let down our hair and chill out.

I wrote a sketch, the “Lion o’clock news”. Fellow committee members took turns with the terrible jokes.

And I wrote a few comic songs about certain club members, with background details surreptitiously supplied by spouses.

Here is one of the songs. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Toby and Tony are most forgiving. I hope...

TONED

There’s a man called Toby Tone
If you know him you will groan
When you see him coming, run the other way
Though he does mostly mean well
His wife’s life’s a living hell
Even the dog’s brown hair is turning grey

He’s as friendly as can be
But what is worrying me
All his friends seem less than devout
Maybe he’s accident prone
When he’s on his mobile phone
Even answer phones seem to be out

I’ve been TONED oh yes, I’ve been TONED oh no
No matter what the weather, sun or snow
Be it rain or shine, he will make you whine
I’ve been Toby TONED
Be it rain or hail, he will make you wail
I’ve been Toby TONED

He went on holiday
Some friends had come to stay
Not knowing of the coming agony
They stood outside and saw
Toby closing the front door
Problem was that no-one had the key

On his wedding night he strolled
around the room (it wasn’t cold)
His wife lay in bed and asked “Why aren’t you in it?”
“I tell you now my wife
this is the best night of my life
And I do not mean to miss a single minute”

I’ve been TONED oh yes, I’ve been TONED oh no
No matter what the weather, sun or snow
Be it rain or shine, he will make you whine
I’ve been Toby TONED
Be it rain or hail, he will make you wail
I’ve been Toby TONED

Out with some friends walking
For a change Toby was talking
His wife took the dog and prayed with all her might
That the day be trouble free
She looked up to see
The dog was disappearing out of sight

Toby set off in pursuit
The dog was back in a minute
Without Toby, alas and alack
His wife quickly took command
“Don’t let us all just stand
Let’s run away before Toby comes back”

I’ve been TONED oh yes, I’ve been TONED oh no
No matter what the weather, sun or snow
Be it rain or shine, he will make you whine
I’ve been Toby TONED
Be it rain or hail, he’s a care free male
I’ve been Toby TONED