Phrase Writers Group

Written for my (then) young niece

THE NOISY OGRE

Once upon a time there was a land called TingNot. It is a make-believe place, that any child, or child-like person knows about. Let me tell you about TingNot, and its Princess and a little problem they had.

One sunny day Princess Emma was walking round her garden. She did this every morning, after breakfast. Her garden had flowers of all colours; white snowdrops, yellow daffodils and buttercups, purple crocuses, lavender, red roses. Every flower you can name was there.

Princess Emma was everyone’s favourite person in TingNot. Of course she was pretty, as all princesses are. She looked like Snow White and wore lovely clothes. But the reason everyone loved her was her smile. If anyone was sad or grumpy, Princess Emma would spend time cheering them up.

Then Princess Emma saw her two best friends walking towards her. “Hello Princess” they called. She greeted them. “Hello Pigface, hello Smell”.

Smell always wore pink pantaloons and wellington boots, one red and the other yellow. Pigface had pigtails, trousers held up by braces and an even bigger smile than Princess Emma.

“I’ve got something special to tell you” said Pigface. “Today is my burp day”.

“Don’t you mean birthday?” said Princess Emma.

“No! When I was born the first thing I said was <<Burp>>”

“Hmm” said Smell. “That sounded more like a belch. A burp sounds like this <<B-U-U-R-R-PP>>.”

“I think I get the idea” Princess Emma said. “Are you having a party?”

“Of course” said Pigface. “Everyone is invited. Smell will do some magic tricks, there will be jelly and cakes, lots of games.”

“What a lovely idea” said Princess Emma. “It will cheer people up.”

“I’m not surprised everyone is grumpy” said Smell. “No-one gets any sleep at night.”

“It’s that awful Ogre” said Pigface.

At that moment they heard a dreadful noise, like thunder mixed up with Pigface’s burps, only much MUCH louder. The Ogre was having its mid-morning nap.<<BIG MEGA B-U-U-U-R-R-P-P-PP>>.

Let me tell you about the Ogre. It was as ugly as the Princess was pretty. The Ogre was SO ugly that when it looked in the mirror, the mirror broke! The Ogre was taller than anyone else, had green slimy skin and three eyes. One was red, one yellow and one green, like traffic lights. And several warts on its chest and face. Smell had once tried to remove the warts using magic, but instead added some till the Ogre begged to stop making it so handsome.

Everyone was frightened of the Ogre and avoided it. The Ogre was called Gowan.

Pigface said “That awful Ogre isn’t coming to my party.”

Princess Emma kept quiet. She had a dreadful secret. The Ogre was her brother! She wanted her brother at the party but couldn’t tell anyone her secret.

In fact everyone in TingNot knew her secret, but because they liked the Princess they pretended they did not.

Princess Emma smiled and said “We have lots to do. Pigface and Smell, go and ask all your friends to come to my garden this afternoon and I’ll order some food and balloons and get some games ready.”

“Good idea” said Smell, “and I’ll bring some magic tricks. Let’s go, Pigface.”

* * * * *

The party started in the afternoon with everyone who was anyone in TingNot. Which meant everyone. Pigface’s hair was in plaits as a treat. And Smell wore different wellington boots; instead of one being red and one yellow ... you’ve guessed it. One was yellow and the other red!

Smell was excited. “Hello everyone! I’ve got a new spell.”

Pigface sniffed. “I thought you ponged. Poo! Have you been playing mud pies with cow pats again?”

“Not smell, spell” Smell said.

Pigface sniffed again. “Have you been burping Smell. It is MY burp day, you know!”

Princess Emma ran towards them before they started arguing. “Let’s play Hide and seek.”

“I’m not playing” said Smell. “Last time you went off and left me.”

“No we didn’t” said Pigface. “You hid in a train that went non-stop to the seaside. And came back the next day.”

The Princess could see another argument starting. “Well let’s play musical chairs. I’ll sing and when I stop, everyone finds a chair to sit in.” The good people of TingNot smiled, as they liked the Princess’s songs.

“Ready everyone?” said Princess Emma. “Here we go.”

And she sang

Be kind to your web footed friends
For a duck may be somebody’s Mother
Though they live in the woods and the swamp
Where the weather’s always domp
You may think that this is the end
Well it is

And everyone rushed to find a chair. Smell was too slow and there were no chairs left. So naughty Smell cheated and used magic to make a chair by saying “Abracadabra, stool” and sat down with a bump.

Everyone laughed. You see, Smell had made a toadstool!

“I wanna go wee” said Pigface, legs crossed.

“Well find a toilet then” said sensible Smell.

“Wanna go wee!” said Pigface loudly.

Smell sighed. “Go on then.”

“Wee-ee-ee-ee”.

Princess Emma was watching. Pigface frowned and said to Smell “The Princess is always making other people happy. She should have some fun herself.”

“I’ve got an idea” said Smell. “Princess, let’s go for a walk.”

Pigface walked on one side of the Princess, and Smell on the other. They held the Princess’s hands.

Smell said “1-2-3” and they whooshed the Princess into the air. The Princess laughed as they swung her up again and again till they were all exhausted.

“Oh I did enjoy that, thank you” said Princess Emma. “Now what shall we do next?”

But then they heard the dreadful sound of the Ogre snoring.

They found Ogre Gowan asleep by a pond.

“I know what to do” said Smell. Gowan was pushed into the pond, and sank to the bottom while still snoring. As we all know, Ogres can breath underwater.

And everyone enjoyed the party. Instead of fireworks they watched the pond’s fountain of water caused by the Ogre burping. That night everyone in TingNot got their 8 hours of sleep. And the Ogre agreed to sleep in the pond, so no-one was grumpy ever again from being kept awake at night.