Phrase Writers Group

I worked in publishing for 20 years. A decade at HarperCollins in London, another at The Pharmaceutical Journal also in the capital.

While I was in the computer department at HarperCollins I had the good fortune to work with colleagues in the various editorial, production, art and design departments. I contributed to books including “A Teddy Bear’s Little Instruction Book” and “A Traveller’s Little Instruction Book”.

HarperCollins was commissioned to produce Activity Cubes for a high street retailer. These were 12 inch cubes, that opened up to reveal a board game, puzzles and a booklet. The latter contained jokes and poems, submitted by local school children, with their names and ages next to their offerings. Some of the names looked suspiciously like members of staff. My name was misspelt!

One Activity Cube had pirates as its theme. And as well as groan-inducing jokes, I wrote a poem. I borrowed names from two colleagues for the hero and villain.

BIG BAD NICK THE PIRATE

Big Bad Nick the Pirate
He roamed the seven seas
From Timbuktoo to John O’Groats
And once went to Belize

Nick captured ships of every size
From clippers to canoes
And emptied them of all their goods
Especially the booze

Once the ships were empty
Bad Nick watched them as they sank
He told the captured crews some jokes
Then made them walk the plank

Little did Bad Nick know
His jokes they were the worst
Some crews did not wait to walk the plank
They decided to jump in first!

One sailor that Nick captured
Was known throughout the navy
As Able Seaman David Jones
(The ladies called him Davy)

The sharks were circling around
As Nick threw overboard Davy
But then the sharks all roared
“You’ve forgotten the sprouts and gravy”

There was no sign of Davy
And Bad Nick let out a shout
“He must be at least six feet down
I cannot fathom it out!”

Then Davy appeared behind Nick
(He had climbed back aboard)
And there followed a terrible fight
Till Nick ran and hid in a cupboard

Where’s Big Bad Nick the Pirate?
You must be off your rocker
But if you really want to know
He’s in Davy Jones’ Locker!